Things That Amateur Footballers Experience

Amateur football is the lifeblood of the game. Whilst the professionals play for the glory, the money and the rest of trappings that follow, we have to pay subs just to be booted around a waterlogged pitch.

Nevertheless, despite amateur football seeming like a futile activity for many of us, it actually helps to incubate our love of the game; growing teamwork, friendships and sometimes, just sometimes, memories of fleeting great play that puts us on a par with the professionals for a spilt-second.

So no matter if you’re a seasoned veteran of the Saturday/Sunday (or whatever day) League football, or you’re new to the game; a wide-eyed youth with plenty of years ahead, here are some things that you will (probably) have or will experience:

1. Many teams will have a BIG LAD who takes all of the free-kicks, corners and penalties. Nobody else. Just the BIG LAD. (And woe betide anyone who gets in his way).
2. There will be someone who thinks they are the lovechild of Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi. Trying outrageous kicks, tricks and flicks until they’re scythed down by the aforementioned BIG LAD.
3. There will always be some granddad playing who thinks he’s rolling back the years by playing with youngsters, but just looks weird in a tight-fitting shirt.
4. The granddad will still be better at football than you.
5. Many of the players will be playing under a name that isn’t their own.
6. ‘Medical/Physio facilities’ will consist of a bucket of water and if you’re lucky, a bottle of supermarket own-brand deep heat.
7. People drinking cans and having cigs at the side of the pitch. (As do the players at half-time).
8. Dogs will run onto the pitch.
9. The pitch will always be waterlogged in parts, no matter the time of year.
10. Not all players on the team will have matching shirts.
11. If you’re lucky enough to get a matching shirt, it will be caked in mud from previous games.
12. Two footed tackles not only happen, but are actively encouraged.
13. The referee will rarely break into a sprint.
14. Great goalkeepers are rare.
15. The goalkeeper will often change with an outfield player.
16. The goalkeeper will often go up for a corner/take a free-kick/penalty, regardless if their team is losing by a single goal or ten.
17. Managers fall into two camps: they will either think they are Pep Guardiola and will constantly bark out incomprehensible instructions or not be bothered and instead, will be indulging in the aforementioned cans and cigs.
18. The Pep wannabes and those who aren’t bothered will be connected by their formation of choice: 4-4-2.
19. A warm-up will consist of booting the ball as hard as you can towards the goal.
20. You look forward to an away game – especially if it’s at ‘your ground’ (as you won’t have to put up the nets).
21. When you do have to put up the nets, the lack of a stepladder will mean jumping on someone’s shoulders to get the top of the net in place.
22. The referee will swear, swig and smoke just as much as the players do.

Those were my top things you will have (probably) experienced in amateur football. Got any of your own? Leave them in the comments below or Tweet @pints_pies.

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What If Dogs Formed A Football Team?

Great people have had their great thoughts whilst lounging under an apple tree, bathing in a tub of water, even whilst sat on the toilet. Now I’m not saying that I’m a great man (I’m more of a toilet), but whilst I was going about my business the other day, I saw a dog chasing around a plastic bag.

Aside from worrying about the impact that another helping of single-use plastic would have on the environment, I was impressed by how quickly the dog chased down the bag and brought it under its control. Imagine that dog playing in midfield, I thought.

Then another thought popped into my head – imagine a FOOTBALL TEAM of dogs. Dogs with their individuals strengths and abilities, creating the best football team that ever lived. So I did.

This blog will detail the team of dogs that I have created – not only will this help football fans who don’t understand dogs, to understand dogs, it will also help dog fans to understand football a bit better too.

It’s the article that you didn’t know you needed, but truly deserve. Or something along those lines.

A Dog XI

(Formation: 4-2-3-1) 

Goalkeeper 

1. Great Dane

Big, a Great Dane can keep a lot out with those massive paws.

Right-Back

2. Husky 

 

 A Husky has got great stamina. Can bomb down that touchline, providing options and is able to press the opposition all day-long. 

Left-Back

3. Spaniel 

 

A Spaniel has got a good engine, has the physique to withstand pressure, has good left foots too to swing a ball in from deep. 

Centre-Back

5. Dalmatian

A Dalmatian is long and elegant, can bring the ball out with relative ease and confidence, whilst having the height to contest high balls. 

Centre-Back

6. Bulldog 

 

A Bulldog is tough and rough, provides muscle against opposition forwards. The lack of height is made up by the strength on the ground. We need a well-matched centre-back partnership – A Dalmatian and Bulldog fit the bill. 

Central Midfielder

4. Yorkshire Terrier

 

A Yorkshire Terrier is nippy, can get involved in a scrappy tackle, pressing the opposition and not giving them a moments peace. 

Central Midfielder

8. Jack Russell 

 

Also nippy, a Jack Russell can get involved in a scrappy tackle, though slightly more energetic than his midfield partner-in-crime so can be employed in a box-to-box role. 

Attacking Midfielder Right

7. Greyhound

 

A Greyhound has lots of pace, can run down that touchline and whip in a cross or cut inside at speed, leaving the opposition full-back for dead. 

Attacking Midfielder Left

11. Whippet 

 

A Whippet has bags of pace, can terrorise the opposition defence all day, cutting inside and leaving space for Spaniel the left-back to operate in. 

Attacking Midfielder Centre

10. Border Collie

 

Playing the No10 role, A Border Collie is just the right size to be slippery, has a great low-centre-of-gravity too. Quick and clever, one can slip a pass through the opposition defence easily. 

Centre Forward

9. Labrador Cross (more specifically a Labradoodle)

 

A Labrador Cross is unpredictable and therefore will give the opposition defence a nightmare. Playing as a False Nine, one will link up well with the Greyhound and Whippet out wide, and the Border Collie behind. Can also drop back into the midfield to provide some defensive solidity if needs be too.

So that was my Dog XI. If you have any suggestions (such as alternative dogs for any of these positions, a name for the team or just want me to get a life), leave them in the comments below or Tweet me @pints_pies.

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